I wonder how many months I will feel like this

so CD1 here... got my period, not pregnant, and fucking depressed about it.

I shouldn't be right? we are still well under that average 12 months it takes a healthy couple to conceive. But I am- and I am just wondering how long this will go on- and then I feel like crap for feeling like that at all because I know some people very near and dear to my heart who have been at this for double or even triple the amount of time we have.

I guess I just don't get it- I do get it on the 'knowing better' level and all the percentages on how its only a 20-25% shot even with great timing. But on my irrational, emotional, and still I think semi-logical level- I don't get it
Sooo many people get pregnant, and they don't know when they ovulate (some don't even realize they only have a 5 day window max a cycle to get knocked up), they don't use OPKs, they are not using the CBEFM, and here I am doing all these things- I get to look at my chart and say wow- we had excellent timing, and then boom (airplane diving noise again)- My temp drops, I spot, and the next day is CD1.
I went back to school today, and I realized I feared finding out if a few people who were recently married were pregnant. That makes me hate myself. Of course I will be happy for my colleagues and friends when they decide to start their family- I know I will be, and yet- I dreaded today in case I found out. Maybe CD1 makes it even harder, but it would be a blow to find out someone was pregnant on the day it's confirmed you are not- I do believe in my heart it is not such a bad thing to think- it's not like feeling that way is wishing ill upon that person, I truly would be glad for them, I just want to be happy for myself as well. So maybe I seem like a bad person, but I know deep down I am not.

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was on the phone with my sister- she got her period today too. I told her so did I, and then went on about how good it was we both got it so we wouldn't have to deal with it for her wedding in 5 days. She responded, "oh, you're happy- i thought you might be trying for kids". I ignored her. I didn't realize she knew, maybe she saw me on the nest? I don't know... but I wasn't going to talk about it, last thing I need to do to the bride is get all emotional about ttc on her a few days before the festivities. I guess I will just have to grin and be happy I can drink and do the hot tub with the bridesmaids this weekend.

I wish this got easier, and not harder each time. I am afraid I am changing, and I don't like the direction I am heading. I want to be optimistic again, happy again, but it's hard. I know I will feel better in a couple days- it's good to get it out

So yeah- that sucks.