"Don't play with your food"

Our dog is nuts... every time she eats, before she begins, she plays with 1 single piece of kibble. Just one- she will toss it around, up in the air, all over the living room, then eat it. Then she proceeds to eat the rest of her bowl (carrying it out 4-5 pieces at a time, dumping them on the rug, and eating them 1 by 1, however there is no playing after the 1st piece)
I try to catch her on tape- this is what I got (usually there is more throwing of the kibble, but this gives you the idea)



In other news- I have nothing. 7 weeks 4 days today and feel fine- it is eery how fine i feel minus constipation and being tired. I guess I should count myself lucky :) I think I am going to schedule my NT scan- I am torn on when to do it. Do I schedule it before Thanksgiving so I feel better about telling family our news on that day- but then I will only be 11 weeks 2 -4 days. Or do I schedule it the week after which is timed better for the scan (although they say the scan can be done 11 weeks - 13 wk 6 days, everything i have read online says aim for week 12 in case you are measuring off in either direction). I *know* we should wait until the week after- butI am not sure I want to tell the news on Thanksgiving if we have no further reassurance- and it would be such a great time to share the news in person with the in-laws, grandparents, etc.

Hit the 7 week mark...

our baby is the size of a blueberry- wow that is a lot bigger than a sesame seed!

7 weeks pregnant as of yesterday- As far as pg symptoms go i still have sore boobs, random burning nipples, fatigue, constipation, and bouts of nausea. I am a little unsure about the nausea though- I feel like if I think to myself 'am I nauseous' I become nauseous- but there is a distinct correlation with nausea and its disappearance when I eat something- so I guess this is my introductory morning sickness. I have even reached the point where I burp or gag a little to feel better- but this is random and short felt, so I guess I am lucky thus far.

Non-pg related
Nothing much going on- school is school, family is doing well, I guess I could bitch about my MIL and how she 'entertains' and claims what a great entertainer/cook/ex-caterer (yeah right) she is- but then calls me the day of and says pick up this pick up that, bring this, i want you to make dessert- don't buy it- i want to see what kind of cook you are- so make something.
drives me nuts- and no , I don't make anything at that point (I have no problem baking- but I do have a problem with the demands). But really besides that inane complaint- things are the same and going well.

We didn't do much this weekend- Friday we stayed in, just the 2 of us, and watched a movie. Saturday night after going to MIL's i dropped Eric off at a friends to watch the Phillies in the World Series. I didn't want to go b/c this guy is the one who told everyone of our friends when he suspected another wife was pg and got that rumor going. I am really glad i didn't go in hindsight because there was a rain delay, the game started at about 9:45pm and ended around 2am... I was asleep at that point. Then this morning we went over to the Eagles game to tailgate with my dad and bro who drove 2 hrs down to go to the game. Eric's friend had an extra ticket so he got to go to the game, and i just went tailgating (ironic) so that my Dad and bro would have people to hang out with and enjoy it :)

that's all over here- MUAH

Anxiety, mantras, belief

Well- my mom and sis keep asking how I am feeling- and the answer is completely anxious. I feel like the days are dragging- like I am never going to meet my next mini mileston of 8 weeks pregnant (10 more days!). I go on the nest and see people with signatures that say 'missed miscarriage 10wks 2days, baby measured 6wks 3 days' and it momentarily erases all the hope I have for this little baby because we only saw it at 5 wks 6 days. Completely irrational I know- but it is killing me. I know during the whole ttc journey I wished time away during the wait to O or the 2ww, but this is soo different- I am physically ill over it. I wrote in my last entry about my elevated blood pressure at the beginning of my appointment (that was back down by the end). I have always been like this- had anxiety issues, made myself ill (it took 3 yrs before I stopped getting diarrhea every time i would see my MIL- seriously), and I know that now more than ever I need to not do this to myself. I bought 2 meditation CDs. I am going to listen to them to try to help relax myself, and I am even debating talking to someone. i have debated this before (i have laid awake nights with anxiety issues), and now that it is not just about me- maybe I should.

I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do but wait- I am not doing extreme sports or drugs or anything- so what will happen will happen, no matter how relaxed, or how worried I am- but I can't get away from this focus.

There is a board on the Nest called Success after a loss and the ladies there made up mantras to help them deal with their anxiety- these are the mantras
`"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."
--"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."
--"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."
--"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!
-- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
--And this is the hardest one: "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive."


The last thing I want to write about is my due date... I love to look for signs in life- ever since I went to the Dr. and she adjusted my due date- I have felt it was a good sign- a sign of hope, that this is coming full circle, that this is meant to be and we will have our family.
June 13th
What's so special about it?
First off- 13 is my favorite number- always has been, was my sports number, everything- i Love it.
Second- My Nana, whom I love very very much, will be 96 years old on June 13th 2009. Her name is Ruth-and I have always planned on naming a daughter someday with the middle name Ruth after my nana.
Last- June 13th 2009 is my due date. June 13th 2008 is my first BFP, where we lost the baby in a chemical pregnancy. It seems full circle to me that it is exactly that day... I pray to God it is so.

So- when I get anxious I try to think about those mantras, or the little signs I get along the way (like June 13th)

2 more checks off the list- and a great video!

WE TOLD MY PARENTS THE BIG NEWS!!!
This video is fantastic- my parents are such an old married couple- you can tell, and I love that i have this on tape.
Before you watch- the gift we gave them was this:



I told them it was a gift from my sister and I that they had to open before we met up with her in the city- and I had promised her I would tape their reaction. (We were going out for their birthdays/mortgage burning celebration).





2nd check off the list- 1st prenatal doctor's appointment. Not too much to say about this except she told me I need to control my anxiety- my blood pressure when I arrived was 150/90. They took it again at the end of the appointment- 122/76. Because it was high I now have to do a 24 hour urine collection for protein tests- but she seems to think it was anxiety. I had 13 vials of blood taken, go back for a blood pressure test in 2 weeks during which they will do an actual exam since I will be past 8 weeks by then, and that is about it. I tried to ask about miscarriage rates, and the heartbeat, and was the heartrate a concern- she said sure it is slow, but she doesn't even expect to see a heartbeat at all at 5 weeks 6 days (my u/s measurements) so that it means nothing, just that it was early... and as for miscarriage- who knows. If it is going to happen, it is, and if not, then not... nothing I can do (within reason) will change this outcome.

I was given an official due date- June 13, 2009- 1 day off from my FF chart, not too bad.

1st Ultrasound & 6 wks Pregnant

We had such a great afternoon- here is a rundown of my U/S experience from start to finish,.

I arrive at 3:30ish to fill out paperwork, my appt is at 4. Eric was to meet me there around 10 of 4 so we could go in together. I finish my paperwork, sit down, and at 3:40 they call me back. I told them my husband was on his way and the one nurse was like "well they called you- you have to come now". I kept repeating, my appointment is at 4, I do NOT want to go early, I am waiting for my husband. The one nurse kept arguing with me until finally a coworker basically pulled her back and gave her a look and said in exasperation- she's pregnant. We'll wait. So Eric ended up showing up at 3:48. We went on back immediately. Who would have thought that going early at a doctor's appt would be an issue- but I can't believe the one nurse didn't get it.

So we go back- I am doing the pee-dance because they told me to drink 32 oz of water 1 hr before and not pee... We go into the u/s room and she begins with a stomach one. My H throws in there- "watch out, it's cold"- it wasn't, but he read that in his book :). I am a little concerned she couldn't find my left ovary- I hope it is just because i am pudgelicious. She didn't see much anyway since it is so early and said we would do an internal- I asked if i could pee before that and thankfully she said yes

So I can't see the screen and am lying there, when i see my husbands eyes bug and hear him ask "What is that big thing?" The response- her bladder. Eric then goes "it's HUGE". I am sorry- they told me to fill it, i had to pee.. sheesh.

So finally i got to use the bathroom and the internal began. She talked a little, but not much as she worked- i asked questions. The baby measured 5 wks 5 days- 2 days off from my 6 week prediction. The heart rate was 100bpm. you can see in the pics below the embryo is the white dot on the left- the big black circle is the gestational sac.. and in the lower picture the white ring is the yolk sack where our baby is currently getting it's nutrition from until the placenta is done.


This heart rate WORRIES me- even though rationally I *think* I know that is a decent number for how early we are- I can't wait to see the Dr. on Monday to ask about it. But to even see a heartbeat at this stage is AMAZING!!!! It is so early- a lot of people don't even get that. from things I have read, below 100bpm is considered slow... and at this 5-6 week stage even 90-110 is considered normal because the heart just started beating and is speeding up. Please God let the heart rate get faster. If you know anything about this and can reassure me- I would Love you tons :)

Of course my H made jokes to me (not in front of the tech) about how I prob wished the wand vibrated, and such- but for as dumb (i say that lovingly) as he can be sometimes, his face when she said 'the flicker you see is the heartbeat' was unforgettable.

While I was putting my pants back on I filmed this little clip on the u/s screen onto our camera- enjoy!

I am done peeing on things

Seriously- I may ask my H to hide the 3 HPTs (and 10 or so internet cheapies) I have left. I was doing well, stopped a few days ago, but went back to an internet cheapie tonight. YAY for it being as dark as ever!! Even though they advise not to worry about the line and if it is dark, gets darker or lighter, etc- of course I do. That is how I knew my miscarriage was going to happen last time- faint line that kept getting lighter until a BFN. But this time is different. I feel it in my heart- and then because it doesn't hurt, I see it with the test comparisons. I also think I am going to bring all these tests to my ob/gyn appointment since my Dr. wouldn't admit I was pg, even for a second last time, and when I talked to her about getting 7 positive HPTs she said 'well I didn't see them'... well she can see these- although, I am sure I will test positive at the office this visit, so it is probably unnecessary, that one appointment really grated on me.



On a different note- My appointment for my 1st ultrasound is in 44 hours... less than 2 days. I am so excited. I thought the 10 days wait would drag, but it is almost here- YAY!
I am praying diligently that everything is looking good and we will see a heartbeat.

Tomorrow I go print out a pic of E & I so that I can make the 'Mastercard' themed frame for my parents. My fortune cookies for telling my siblings and inlaws arrived today- so stinking cute!



So far, so good- just checking in! :)

A perfect Sunday...

Today was my kind of Sunday.
It started out with sleeping until 9:30- that may not seem all that late, but for me it is- especially on Sundays which is my day for dog duty. Ming usually wakes us up around 7:30 on weekends to go out, Eric takes Saturdays and I take Sundays.
Eric had to go to work today, so before he went we got up, got dressed, and stepped outside. It was a beautiful fall day. Crisp air, but not too chilly, leaves just beginning to turn- truly my favorite weather. We took the dog and walked to Starbucks- I got my decaf pumpkin spice latte (yum!) and then we headed to the park with our drinks where we threw a tennis ball back and forth while the dog chased it. I love mornings like that- so simple, but nothing better.

Then Eric continued on to work, and I went home and relaxed, did a few things around the house, and started reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. At about 2pm I picked him up at work with the dog once again in tow, and we drove out to a Pumpkin Farm. We walked around, picked up some pumpkins, the dog ate every scrap of food she could find on the ground, chased some chickens, and was completely confused by some sheep. We had hot apple cider and donuts with cinnamon-sugar on them, bought apple butter, and just had such a 'family' day. It was so nice to hang out, and it just reminded me why I love fall.

Our obligatory pumpkin picking shot (without pumpkins):




And the poor dog- I tortured her while Eric was buying the donuts- I LOVE this picture though, and am going to figure out what cool thing I want to do with it besides just print a print in the shutterfly store

A poll- & 5 weeks pregnant

Our baby is the size of a single sesame seed right now...
5 weeks pregnant and counting down 7 days until the 6 week mark and my first ultrasound... YAY for time going by and all seemingly ok (please God). It's kind of weird... Besides having sore boobs, I really don't have any symptoms. I find myself hoping I am queasy at moments (which I know if I get hit with morning sickness I will fully regret- I prayed for boobs when I was 11, now I wish I had a bit less in that department). Stupid "what to expect, when you're expecting' says something along the lines of if you have morning sickness it means the pregnancy is going well, and studies show the worse the better... so of course now I want to be sick. (I really don't- but you know my thinking, I want signs that this pregnancy is going well).
I am on take-a-picture mission with Eric over the next week. If everything at our u/s looks ok we are telling my parents on Saturday. The u/s is on Friday, which is my mom's birthday- and my dad's birthday is the following Monday- so we are getting together with them on Saturday to celebrate their birthdays and to have their "Mortgage Dinner Party"- they paid it off and are so super excited, and I am proud of them... we have been through some things in the past (2 kids in college, job lay-offs) that this is so great!
So the choices for telling them are similar, but different

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER???- both will be frames wrapped up as a joint birthday present (I want to film their reaction)

1) Do the baby poem in a frame (along with u/s picture if i get one, without if not)

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss.
I don't yet have a name.

Not yet can you hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.

But all that will change come this October;
When they say I am due.
I am your newest grandchild;
And I can't wait until I meet you!

All I ask between now and then
Is your love for me to grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait;
Just think of all the joy we'll know!

So as you're waiting patiently,
Please pray lots of prayers for me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family!

2) if there is time by next weekend- order personalized fortune cookies, sneak them to the restaurant, and ask the waiter to serve them.
not sure what I would write on them-
Carly & Eric are having a baby!
or something

3) Do the dual frame where there is a picture of Eric and I in one side, and the other side is Mastercard themed...
"Picture Developing, $0.50"
"Frame, $20.00"
"Realizing there are 3 people in this picture, Priceless!"

and in order to do option 2- i need a pic of Eric and I from after our BFP... so here is one I have, and there are a couple nights out this week where hopefully I can get some more so I have options- although I like this picture., I don't love it- but it'll do if we get nothing else... it is sad that we are going out to dinner on Monday and I may set up the tripod to take some pics LOL

Viability Ultrasound

what a scary way to put it... but that is how it is written on my prescription- reading it was enough to make me cringe because the whole question of viability makes me so scared.

So that is the next mini-milestone. Make it to our viability ultrasound and pray everything looks good (maybe a heartbeat- although I know it is awfully early for that, fetal pole, sac, yoke sac, all that good stuff). That will be 10/17- so 10 days to go until the next mini milestone.

As of a couple days ago, I have officially missed my period- i think i may stop peeing on sticks soon (i am almost out and the line is gettting very very dark, so i think i will pee on my last 2 over the next week and then nothing until the u/s).

Still praying hard and hoping this little one sticks!

A good weekend...

This weekend marked our annual weekend in Baltimore, MD- it was our 9th year in a row going the 1st weekend in October. We started dating in 1999 in Washington DC (where we were in school) and for our 1 yr anniversary decided to go to Baltimore for the night, just to change things up. Well, lo and behold we stumbled upon the Fells Point Fun Fest- which is basically an enormous street fair, eating festival, and drinking binge on the water in Baltimore. Tons of good crab stuff (softshell, crabcakes, crab balls, you name it), cheap drinks, lots of cheasy stuff to buy- and just a lot of fun. So my husband and I have gone every year

I will say- the fun fest, is not as fun when you are not drinking- the one thing I will say is that in the 9 years we have gone, things have pretty much stayed exactly the same- so it's not like there was any new shopping to do. But- I am not at all complaining, it just made me realize what the fun fest was really about to us in the past LOL. Eric told me I was designated eater- and I tried to live up to that, I really did- the food is SOOOO good, but they had less this year- I missed my grilled corn on the cob, and this was the year I was actually going to buck up and try a fried twinkie (even though I don't even like them unfried- but they also used to have fried oreos and I was going to try something darnit!). But we had fun- I love that we have a little tradition of our own that is close by and not breaking the bank. It was not bad not drinking, I think it was just annoying at some points to be with a drunk man (who would inevitably throw in comments like "you shouldn't crave pickles and ice cream, you should crave things like cock and splooge"- LOVELY , really...)

So we are back and we had a great time.

On the PG front- well we passed a milestone. Yesterday was the same DPO that I first got my BFN before I started bleeding for the last BFP. My line on the FRER was darker then ever yesterday- so we are already looking up! Tomorrow marks the day I bled, so when we get past that I will be happy as well- then we are completely further than last time which in itself will give me comfort. I posted on the success after a loss board, even though I felt fraudulent posting there, I just wanted some ideas on how to get past the fear. One of the girls suggested set mini milestones- so I have been. We just passed the first one (still having a BFP when I had a BFN last time). My next milestone is 5 weeks (next Friday!)

My ob/gyn won't do a beta blood test for me, which frustrates me, but whatever- I have decided to be over it... she did say she would write me a script for and early u/s. Shows how much I know- I thought the appt. I made with the office for 10/20 was for an u/s and such- it was just for my 1st prenatal appt. I guess it's learn as you go that these things are not the same. So I am going to schedule my u/s for either Friday 10/17 or Saturday 10/18 (if I can find a place that does Saturday appt). My Dr. said to schedule it for before my 1st appt with her so she can have the results before we meet. I wish all of this was happening just a little bit later because I would LOVE to see a heartbeat, and 6 weeks exactly borderline when you can see it- and I would rather go in a little bit later to prevent myself from freaking out if we don't see it. On the otherhand, we see my parents and my sister on Sat 10/18- so if the u/s goes well and everything looks as it should- then we are going to tell them!

so that is what's up over here, hope all is well with you ladies

OMG!!! A secret & a prayer

BFP !!!!!
The picture above is how I told DH this time... I hid that package under the pile of mail for him to find when he came home from work. Needless to say we are both ecstatic- but scared out of our mind. The gift is a book for Daddy's pregnancy survival. I wanted to get "My Boys Can Swim" but the bookstore didn't have it, and this was really cute reading when I flipped through it.





I am so nervous it is going to be like last time since I got the BFP so early- but I feel a little more confidant because even though a line is a line, last time I never had a line like these

And just to prove I am a psychotic POASaholic- here is what I have done the past 2 days (there is a digital missing from the picture).




My Prayer
I pray multiple times a day for a healthy baby, healthy pregnancy, healthy delivery. Now my prayer has a 'thank you for this miracle' added to it, but is still pretty much the same- Please God let this baby stick and be healthy and let me have a healthy pregnancy and delivery.


I am SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!