Here is a video that was played at our wedding before our big entrance... I like to watch it and wonder what our phantom kids will be like. Sorry it is ghettofied- it was encrypted on a dvd and the only way I could get it actually on my computer was to tape it with my digicam and upload.
ENJOY!!!
ps- there is sound :)
Sometimes living in a city really has its advantages. We did something totally cool last night- played Pirate Quizzo in the Planetarium at The Franklin Institute.
We left the house at around 5 to go watch the Yankees v. Red Sox game with another couple- the guy in that couple is a die hard Yankees fan, my husband a die hard Red Sox fan- they even went to 2 games in the Yanks/Sox series in April up in New York. Well, go figure no sports bar had the feed for the game b/c it was blacked out... so we ended up having some drinks and that couple had plans to go to Pirate Quizzo.
The planetarium had stars in the sky and the edges made out to look like the front and back of a pirate ship- so it seemed like you were sitting on the deck. There was a cash bar, and 4 rounds of pirate questions- One round was all about booty and even had celebrity butts pictured for our perusal to identify whose 'booty' it was.
It was so nice to do something different. I love nights like that :)
This is what my man brought me To make it even better, there was no reason for this 'little' surprise, and he picked it up on the way home from basketball when he and a friend stopped at the market... so that means he bought this for me in the presence of guy friends when we have not had a fight and it is not an occasion! Wowza- I am impressed.
I love this man :)
First- just to show why my hopes went so high, here is a picture of my chart when it was looking great. 
Nice temp jump, looking a little triphasic. Perfect
And then... (make some sort of plane diving noise in your head right now that I can't do via typing) 
Ummm yeah, the drop does not get much more dramatic then that.
Concerns- Why was my LP shorter this time and since when do I have 3 days of spotting before getting my period?
Pity Party Over
Well- I am still sad, but am actually back in my normal chipper spirit today. I have to thank Shannon for this. Shannon is a true friend from the nest. I have a lot of ladies I consider friends on there even though we don't speak in real life. They are my support network and really just a fantastic group of women.
So why am I specifically thanking Shannon? She commented to me on my 'crushed' post below. Her comment was just full of virtual love and support. She's been trying longer than I have to start a family, yet is such a sweet person and really just awesome, that she took the time out to comfort me, and tell me what I needed to hear- I will be a great mom. That snapped me out of it- I WILL be a mom some day, and a pretty darn good one.
So thank you Shannon. You brought a tear to my eye and really got me out of this funk I have been in for the past 2 days. You are going to be an exceptional mother some day, and I am crossing my fingers for you this cycle. xxooxx
Focusing on the positive:
even though I got my period today and it is CD 1- I know I need to be positive about this whole endeavor in order to not go nuts.
So here's the positive-
I have fairly regular periods. I ovulate without aid and all my signs of ovulation (CF, OPKs, CBEFM, temp) coincide.
And- I will ovulate this cycle right near, if not on, my birthday, while 3000 miles away in San Diego on vacation with my honey! I really hope we bring back a souvenir/birthday present!
And-
I am feeling really defeated.
I know I should not be so emotional... it is early yet in our TTC journey, but I am absolutely crushed- and I don't even have my period yet for this cycle.
I think a lot of how I am feeling is residual from my chemical pregnancy. I put every bit of myself into this cycle- against all caution I felt such hope. I think that was my coping mechanism for dealing with my loss- immediately throw myself heart and soul into getting pregnant again. This cycle I had everything timed out perfectly, the most EWCM ever, pre conceive lube just in case, positive OPKS, peak days on my CBEFM, sex timed out great, baby aspirin to help with implantation in case that is where my body failed me before, and the best looking chart I have ever had.
Now I am still spotting 2 days in a row and my temps took a drastic dive. I am guessing I will get my period tonight or tomorrow.
I don't think I would be as hopelessly disappointed as I am right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I really think I mentally wonked out of reality and just fooled myself into believing this had to be it, God wouldn't take away my baby and then not give me a new one.
I am crying. I shouldn't be. I know better rationally. I can't stop thinking that that BFP was my one in 12 months, and I won't get another one for a long while- like I used up my conception luck.
I am just so damn sad right now. and I am angry at myself for focusing in on the fact that I shouldn't be spotting for 3 more days and thinking maybe tomorrow my temps will magically go back up, my bleeding will stop, and I will be pregnant- when I know much better than that unfortunately.
Defeated
Sad
Losing hope
Angry
Why?
Well, overall it was a pretty good weekend.
Let's start with the TTC news- umm, there is none. My temp went down a bit today, but not much. Symptoms I may have is that my face is breaking out, which it never does, and I hate the slightest ittiest bit of spotting today. My period is not due for 5 days and I never spot except for the 12-24 hours that lead up to full flow of my period, so I don't know what to make of this. I feel like 11 dpo is too late for implantation spotting, but who knows? A few more days until testing and then we will see (unless my luteal phase is cut short and this is really a sign my period is coming 4 days early- which would suck).
And now for what we did this weekend....
Friday night Pictures
We had a pretty good weekend. Friday night we went to happy hour at Continental Midtown. They have a rooftop bar and we had a big table and lots of appys. It was fun.
here we are with limes in our mouth- definitely not cute for me, but E looks good!
Saturday night was great. My sister and her fiancee stayed over. We went to Fogo de Chao, which is a Brazilian Rodizio where they walk around with meat on rotisserie sticks and slice it directly on your plate. It was soooo nice just to hang out with Ali & Dave.
This is Ali & Dave- they get married in 6 weeks, I am so excited for their big day! 
E, C, A & D at Fogo de Chao 7/19/08
The reason they stayed over was because my Grandma just turned 80. Happy 80th Birthday Grandma!!! It truly is a miracle that she is here today. In May 2007 my Grandma went into the hospital with a UTI and ended up contracting sepsis, and being on life support ( a ventilator and oxygen) for about 7 weeks. She would not wake up from her anesthesia, the doctor's were baffled, and she was dwindling away. One day she woke up- this is about 8 weeks after she went in, doesn't remember a thing, and went through months of therapy and recovery. We all feel so blessed and amazed that she is still with us.
Grandma giving a b-day speech
So my parents threw her an 80th bday party. I hope she had as much fun as she looked like she was having!
Grandma's Party Pics!
Me & my 15 y.o. brother Griffin- how cute is he!
My family (us, mom, dad, bro, sis, sis's fiancee)
All my grandma's grandchildren except 1
so I am in the 2ww now- 8dpo to be exact. I would rather be in the 2ww then waiting to O because then at least I know we did what we could and the rest is out of our hands (or privates). But here is the down part. I OBSESS over every little twinge, blemish, cramp, and even now- food desires. I will not survive TTC if I keep doing this to myself- and I know this.
So- I VOW TO STOP OBSESSING. It is what it is, and mentally going through turmoil certainly won't change or help the situation.
I think I am being so bad this cycle because it is my first cycle post loss. I can't win because I get excited if something was similar to my BFP cycle, and then if it is similar I get worried. And if I have a difference in 'phantom symptoms' half of me is like oh you are obviously not pg, you didn't feel this last cycle, and the other half is like 'well- your last BFP was a bust, maybe this is good'.
So for now- I am done warring with myself. No more phantom symptom obsession. However, if asked about potential phantom symptoms and engaged in discussion- I will not be held responsible for responding :) (Sniffer Ammendment- created 10 minutes post blog posting)
(and it's in writing- so I have to do it- the people I may voice my obsessions to actually read this blog!)
Can I just bitch about my MIL for a minute. And this is not just normal bitching, there is a lot going on, like seriously deep stuff and mental health afflictions (seriously diagnosed, not just me saying she is a crazy and circling my finger next to my ear).
I won't get into things on here... it is just too personal to put out there where God knows who can link to my blog. If you want to talk to me about it, let me know- I will gladly share if I know you. All I can say is that my life is hell right now because of her. And I have one side of compassion and understanding that is really being run over again and again by the truck of the side that sees how she is ignoring every ounce of effort, advice, help, etc. that comes her way and wants more more more.
I think the part that makes me the most angry is seeing what this is doing to Eric. He loves his mom, he wants to help, he does so much- and he gets shit on. It is all on us. His parents are divorced, his sister hasn't spoken to MIL in over 10 yrs, so it is just us. I smile, make nice, and do what I can- but forgive a girl for needing to vent.
So for now- I will revert to my favorite wedding pic that has my mother in law in it. You will notice she is dressed head to toe in black- she 'lost' the gown she got for our black tie wedding. Anyway, I like this picture because as my sister pointed out, it looks like she has horns (really, it is the bagpipers hat, but you can't see him- so I am going with divine intervention by God so that I could keep my sanity by sometimes looking at this picture, having a laugh, and feeling a little bit better). I even have it framed with the rest of the pics of us with family from our wedding (I refrained from telling DH about my personal horn joke- I need it)
I know, I know- you think I am heartless- but I cannot explain to you how not nice this woman has been to me in the past (ex: telling her son not to marry me and almost not coming to our wedding, although she seems to like me now- getting over the interfaith relationship was a hurdle, but she was very very hurtful), and it is not just mental illness that made her so, so let me have this one little laugh.
anyone a dream interpreter? b/c I really don't get my 2 dreams from last night. Before I type them out, let me say I do have normal dreams usually, and I do have baby dreams sometimes (usually with a boy, but last week a little girl was in my dreams!). So anyway- I am not always this effed up in the head. I also don't usually remember dreams in such vivid detail.
Dream 1- I was at some breakfast place. I had a chocolate chip, plate-sized pancake. They would not give me syrup, and it was dry. YUK. So a table near me left to go to church, then come back. While they were 'at church' I stole a blueberry muffin and butter- and it was delicious.
Dream 2- This one is really weird. I woke up with something clamped to both my nipples. I really had to pee so crawled around to find a bathroom. There was one bathroom in the master bedroom that I went to use, but there was a floater in it, so I decided to try to find a different bathroom so I didn't embarass the person who's bathroom it was by them knowing I saw their floater. As I tried to find a new bathroom, one of my nipple clamps fell off. Then the guy (I guess my captor- sounds soooo lame) came upstairs and I was just like "i have to pee i have to pee, did you drug me?". So then he puts the fallen nipple clamp back on- and apparently the clamps were attached to a leash- he pulled the leash and both clamps came off and the whole contraption basically bungeed out the window. Then he grabbed me, and I had a knife in my hand, but instead of stabbing him I really really just wanted to have sex with him (i can't remember what he looked like). RING RING RING- in real life my phone rang, and I woke up.
BIZARRE is an understatement.
I am so crotchety today- every time I move I swear my shoulder makes a popping sound. (I have no clue if I spelled crotchety right- it kind of looks funny with crotch at the start. Yes- I am completely mature and not at all adolescent).
Anyway- I am SOOOO sore. Yesterday we hosted a baggo tournament at our house. Baggo is also called cornhole in some regions of the country (because the bags were filled with corn!- I was so excited to share this knowledge with my friends, thanks nesties!).
Anyway, Baggo is this game where there are 2 boards with holes in them set at a slight angle. They are placed 20 ft (?) apart, and you get bean bags- the idea is the throw the bag in the hole of the board that is far from you. 1 pt if your bag lands on the board (which is actually pretty hard) and 3 pts if it goes in the hole. Pts earned cancel each other out (so if I got 2 bags in and the person I was playing got 1 bag in- I get 3 pts) and the game is to 21.
I know it sounds ridiculous that I am sore from this- in fact I know for a fact that last summer when we had our baggo tournament, and the rule was "no girls allowed" (wow- the men in my life are really mature as well), all the guys complained about being sore the following days and I laughed at them. I definitely made fun of them. Never again will I mock... my right arm and shoulder are killing me.
I am also exhausted. Between planning a party, hostessing, playing like 10 games of baggo, and having company from 2pm-2am, I am beat.
Let's talk about this party for a second. I am a party planner- a hostess who always has to have more than enough, prefers to make everything fresh myself instead of buying it, and am really just a bit OCD about entertaining- my guests can want for nothing (I hope). I am a bit controlling and compulsive about hostessing... I take a few days to prepare- doing most of the prep work by myself. Last time I gave Eric a to-do list, I had asked him to wipe down the coffee table in our basement/entertainment room, and he grabbed 'Shout-it-out' from the laundry room down there and sprayed it all over everything- idiot LOL. Now his responsibilities are kind of limited to getting beer/wine/liquor./ice etc, and he makes the bed pretty darn well ;)
I take a lot of pride in the fact that people enjoy coming to our house- and I LOVE doing it. So tell me if you think this is strange. Our one friend- whom I will call "That Guy" because he really is just a huge asshole that you love to hate and hate to love- but he has been friends with Eric since high school, and even though I can't stand him (he drunkenly put Eric's head in a bus window driving home from the rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding b/c he was annoyed the bus driver was lost), I am forced to have a fake friendship with him b/c my H.
But anyway- this isn't about That Guy, he is just the connection to the girl in my story. He lives a few blocks from us and a couple girls (who I have met a few times before) that live in his building came to the house. No problem at all- the more the merrier, and YAY for more people b/c I always have a ton of leftovers after having people over- so great. So the 2 girls hang out- one goes home, then a little while later the other leaves. I go into the kitchen for something and notice that on the counter is a note that says "Thanks for a great night, L" with a $20 bill underneath.
Who am I - the hostess hooker?
It is totally a nice gesture, but it is still really frigging weird right? We didn't want money from anyone, figure it is something we enjoy doing, plus it was mostly our close friends and it kind of goes back and forth. And this girl who was only here for an hour and a half, 2 hours- left us money and a note? Again- nice gesture, but totally bizarre.
Happy belated 4th of July!
We had a good time... hung out with a group of our friends at a Mexican Restaurant (I guess $2 margaritas does not factor into patriotism).
This is me and my good friend Samala (really Samantha, goes by schmootie). She is getting married this fall and I am so excited for her wedding!
We started at about 3 then went back to a friend's apt. because we could get on the roof. Here is me and DH enjoying the apt. party. Please excuse the hair and the picture on the roof top. I was a bit tipsy, and it was raining... not to mention I was scared to death of being on the roof. We had to climb up these utility ladders and hang on to piping to get to the roof. I was not a fan of it.
So we had a really great time. On a side note- just because I think it is funny (I even posted on the nest about this LOL). I always wonder WTF happens to my couch cushions... they are always a mess and I don't get it! Being off for the summer has allowed me to see just exactly what causes this phenomenon. 
And in TTC news- after my long rant in the last post, I have finally figured out what is up. I bought the digital OPKs- LOVE the smiley face, makes life great. I had positive OPKs on CD 19, 20. My CBEFM registered peak readings on CD 20, 21, and my temp shot up a LOT on CD 22. So it looks like my initial ovulation date was wrong. I ovulated on CD 21 (July 9th!). To me this is great news because I could not be happier with our sex timing. We had sex everyday from July 7-9. So we shall see. I am in the habit of checking what my due date would be each cycle- just in case we get pregnant. Due date if this cycle works out- April Fools Day!.
So for now I am just hoping and praying for my little April non-fool :)
I put a link to my fertility friend chart up on the side of my blog. That way if any bored souls who read this feel like commenting on my neurotic ramblings of chart interpretation,they can check it out.
I am so confused this cycle. It is my 3rd cycle with CBEFM (clear blue easy fertility monitor). I guess I got a little cocky, thinking how great that dumb machine is, because I had peak readings my first time using it (which not a lot of people get). Second time using it my number of high days was cut down, I had peaks, and that is when I got my BFP! YAY it worked, I got pregnant using the monitor. OK so the pregnancy didn't work out- but the timing was right and that is what the monitor is for.
So now, 1st cycle post miscarriage, I have not had a peak. I am on my 10th high day in a row. My temperature did show a noticeable shift, but it is also coming down. Did I ovulate? Did I not ovulate? And if I did ovulate was it actually on CD15 as FF wants me to believe, b/c I think it was CD14. I am doing everything I can to help myself be knowledgeable, and now I end up more confused then ever.
If I did ovulate, wouldn't I be getting lows on my CBEFM now? Or will it keep giving me highs because it is a dumb machine and is not aware of my temp shift and is waiting for the peaks that won't be there to come... Or did I not ovulate yet and should I keep peeing on these damn expensive test sticks.
I think the downfall was my thermometer breaking. It broke on CD13. I have no temp for that day. If I insert temps that fall in place with the chart it will either move my crosshairs to cd13 or keep them at 15.
Now my temps are dropping, it seems to early for them to be dropping b/c I am not pg, so maybe I didn't o. Maybe I did
And I can't help but stare at my chart and wonder if sex on CD 10 evening, CD 12 evening, and CD 15 morning.. is enough to make this cycle plausible...
AGHHHHHH Makes me want to rip my hair out- now I am in just wait and see, and I feel a little better for typing out my confusion. I will post later with non ttc updates on my weekend :)
FURTHER NEWS ON MY CHART- so i was on the nest (go figure), went to go to the bathroom, and you know what- crazy EWCM (and I have never noticed more than a little, and this was a respectable amount).... So when I peed I took an opk and guess what- Smiley face- + OPK.
This made me question whether I o'd or not... Fortunately in FF I kept notes about temp taking. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night- for instance last night I temped at 12:30, 3:30 and 7ish... I just temp when i wake up and then peek at the clock. So I noted down the temps I took (not the 12:30 one since I went to bed only an hour before). I was guilty of kind of going with the temps that fit my chart... but I think going with my other temps suits better. Note to self- solve this multiple temping problem to save your sanity.
So now my chart has 2 random high temps... one of which was after a big night of drinking (happy 4th of july) so maybe I really didn't O.
Now I am upset I have not been having sex the past 3 days... so we are going to cram it in the next few. Wish us luck!
