I just want to be happy

I just want to be happy and excited about being pregnant (and believe me- I am these things, I really am- but i want to be JUST these things, without the other b.s.). I feel like I am ruining the experience for myself by all my nerves- and I want to tell myself to shut the f up and enjoy this time.

I hate being negative- I hate being a worrier. Yesterday the Dr. made me worry by saying she wants me to have a follow up u/s because the fetal heart rate was a little slow. I already worried about the heart rate- I was over it and confident she felt it was fine- because that is what she told me 2 f'ing weeks ago. Now- without having a new heart rate or any new info, she finds it concerning and is sending me in for an u./s- but the kicker is she wants me to wait until I am 10 weeks along to go. I know rationally if it was something to really worry about that she would have said this 2 weeks ago, I also know rationally that if it was something dire I would not be waiting 2 weeks but would be going asap- but come on doc- make up your f'ing mind. You know I have anxiety issues by my blood pressure. Don't tell me something is not to be worried about one week, then say that SAME thing is a concern the next.

Anyway- I am resolving myself to get over my fears. I want to be happy, excited, buy little things I love as I see them. I want to talk about names and decorations- things I have not let myself do. I am going to start trying to not freak out over things like the FHR and start being happy about things like having graduated officially from an embryo to a fetus this week- YAY

So here is a go for happiness... although I am still worried and am going to make my next u/s my next minimilestone. Hopefully I can get it scheduled for Monday- November 17th, 10 weeks 2 days.