It's our anniversary

Happy 3rd anniversary to us! We are celebrating by going out to dinner at a place called Amada, and I got my first brazilian wax today- wooohoooo

and just for good memories- here is a wrapup of our wedding :)

Vents...

I am in a crappy mood lately

Husband Vent:
I love my husband, I know he works hard, I don't mind if he is going to work late- but FUCKING TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE HOME. Whether it is 7pm or 10pm- let me know. And don't tell me "oh, about an hour" and then when I call you an over an hour later be like, oh it might be another hour. I HATE eating late, I am trying to lose weight and this picking and all while waiting is bad, and I would prefer to eat with you. I will eat alone if he is getting home really late, but it pisses me off when he could have said it is going to be a late night, instead of 'i don't know' and I could have eaten on my own at 7 instead of cooking at 8:30 and eating at 9. I don't care when you get home- just fucking tell me accurately
Also- it's great to tell me I looked hot and you could think of nothing but doing me for the past hour when we get home at night, my fragile self confidence soaks that shit in- don't tell me you notice I have lost weight when I am naked.

Mom Vent: I love my mother, but she is a scatterbrain. I should preface this vent by saying we have a great relationship, are friends as much as mother/daughter, and she is one of the people I admire most in the world. I feel bad that I completely snapped at her on the phone last night... but my sisters wedding is in 4 weeks- I have a lot going on. My alteration, planning the bachelorette and more. My mom was supposed to help me by finding local spas to their house (I am 2 hrs away from my hometown- so know of 1 and wanted a couple of others).
So she had 3 piss-me-off moments on the phone
1) She was like "You really better get your dress altered soon, the wedding is coming up" (I have an appointment- I am not irresponsible- and I have a pic of one of my not-so-awesome bridesmaids with her breast half hanging out because she picked up her dress the day before my wedding and had it hemmed, so actually only got it day of and it didn't fit her- I think I will take care of it).
2) Then she was all like 'did you book the tickets? you better do that soon'. (we are going to surprise my sister and take her into NYC to see Tony & Tina's wedding- this idea just came to me last week, and I have an email out to bridesmaids to make sure, plus am in contact with a ticket agent who called me back in front of my mother- yes I am getting shit done).
3) and this one is the KICKER- you better make those spa appointments, it is on a Friday and a holiday weekend, you don't want to have nowhere to go, and some people have weekly appointments. I have been WAITING for her to give me the names of spas for weeks- which i snapped at her. She was like well, I looked online... I could have fucking looked online.
I was so snappy that she asked if she could call me at a better time. I am going to apologize tonight, but come on- I am a responsible adult and don't need this crap, and never in my life have done anything to indicate I don't get shit done

Doctor Vent: I had my annual ob/gyn appointment. Last year was my first time at this practice- I have gone to about 3 different doctors in the area trying to find one I love, and that is associated with a hospital I want to give birth at. I LOVED my doctor. I talked to her about TTC, addressed my weight and having a baby, and she was optimistic, great, listened, just the perfect doctor experience. She made me feel OK about things. I am overweight, but not that bad and am otherwise healthy.
Now she is young, so my guess is she was fresh last year, and worn down this year- because she was the opposite last week. Now that we have been TTC I brought in literally a list of questions, my temp charts to show ovulation, etc. She rushed through my questions, started my breast exam while I was asking (and I had a freaking list so I am holding this paper like an idiot while she feels around). And she made me feel awful about my weight- which is 10 lbs less than last year.
I know I am overweight, believe me. To hear a doctor say 'the simplest thing is to drop some weight' really pissed me off- a doctor should know it is not always simple. And she said this after I said how I went to my GP to have my thyroid tested b/c my weight plateau and low temps, obviously I am aware. She basically made me feel awful about myself, she even mentioned heavier mothers have heavy babies and they are at risk for childhood obesity.

And the kicker with her was my chemical pregnancy- if I even had one. I had 8 positive pregnancy tests on a variety of brands. A nurse told me that they could have all been false positives b/c early on you can have something in your system- this sounds like bullshit to me, unless she was referring to a chemical pregnancy that would never have been detected if I had not tested early. So I asked the doctor about it, just wanted to hear from a dr. what she thought happened. She basically refused to talk about it- saying repeatedly "all i can say i that on June 18th, you were not pregnant" and going on about how beyond that she doesn't know what happened, doesn't know why the nurse said what she did, doesn't know if I was pregnant, and said something to the effect of me having to have brought my BFPs in. I was pissed- I am not looking for 100% answer here, just insight, thoughts etc. And of course I was on the brink of tears here, and she was like "Why are you confused"? ummmm, I am sorry, the whole thing was confusing and heartbreaking- thought maybe my dr. could talk to me about it instead of be a BITCH


I know I am heavy, I am working on it, and maybe I see myself through fog goggles- but I didn't think I was stop-and-stare fat where it was so bad.
So now I am thinking about taking a break from TTC. Or at least shifting to the 'natural' approach, and giving up OPKS, CBEFM etc. I won't give up charting because she was helpful in giving me a card for a fertility specialist since our 1 yr TTC will be before my next annual, and she said make sure I have documentation to shoe we are actively TTC'ing b/c they won't see you without 12 months trying.

So yeah- I feel like shit and am angry at the world... At least my husband vent was no big deal, and besides my dinner annoyance, we are great- I do love the man and hope I make him as happy as he makes me.

Will we have cute kids?

Here is a video that was played at our wedding before our big entrance... I like to watch it and wonder what our phantom kids will be like. Sorry it is ghettofied- it was encrypted on a dvd and the only way I could get it actually on my computer was to tape it with my digicam and upload.

ENJOY!!!

ps- there is sound :)

Pirate Quizzo

Sometimes living in a city really has its advantages. We did something totally cool last night- played Pirate Quizzo in the Planetarium at The Franklin Institute.
We left the house at around 5 to go watch the Yankees v. Red Sox game with another couple- the guy in that couple is a die hard Yankees fan, my husband a die hard Red Sox fan- they even went to 2 games in the Yanks/Sox series in April up in New York. Well, go figure no sports bar had the feed for the game b/c it was blacked out... so we ended up having some drinks and that couple had plans to go to Pirate Quizzo.
The planetarium had stars in the sky and the edges made out to look like the front and back of a pirate ship- so it seemed like you were sitting on the deck. There was a cash bar, and 4 rounds of pirate questions- One round was all about booty and even had celebrity butts pictured for our perusal to identify whose 'booty' it was.
It was so nice to do something different. I love nights like that :)

Some men bring you flowers...

This is what my man brought me To make it even better, there was no reason for this 'little' surprise, and he picked it up on the way home from basketball when he and a friend stopped at the market... so that means he bought this for me in the presence of guy friends when we have not had a fight and it is not an occasion! Wowza- I am impressed.
I love this man :)

Back in the saddle

First- just to show why my hopes went so high, here is a picture of my chart when it was looking great.
Nice temp jump, looking a little triphasic. Perfect
And then... (make some sort of plane diving noise in your head right now that I can't do via typing)
Ummm yeah, the drop does not get much more dramatic then that.

Concerns- Why was my LP shorter this time and since when do I have 3 days of spotting before getting my period?


Pity Party Over
Well- I am still sad, but am actually back in my normal chipper spirit today. I have to thank Shannon for this. Shannon is a true friend from the nest. I have a lot of ladies I consider friends on there even though we don't speak in real life. They are my support network and really just a fantastic group of women.
So why am I specifically thanking Shannon? She commented to me on my 'crushed' post below. Her comment was just full of virtual love and support. She's been trying longer than I have to start a family, yet is such a sweet person and really just awesome, that she took the time out to comfort me, and tell me what I needed to hear- I will be a great mom. That snapped me out of it- I WILL be a mom some day, and a pretty darn good one.
So thank you Shannon. You brought a tear to my eye and really got me out of this funk I have been in for the past 2 days. You are going to be an exceptional mother some day, and I am crossing my fingers for you this cycle. xxooxx

Focusing on the positive:
even though I got my period today and it is CD 1- I know I need to be positive about this whole endeavor in order to not go nuts.
So here's the positive-
I have fairly regular periods. I ovulate without aid and all my signs of ovulation (CF, OPKs, CBEFM, temp) coincide.

And- I will ovulate this cycle right near, if not on, my birthday, while 3000 miles away in San Diego on vacation with my honey! I really hope we bring back a souvenir/birthday present!

And-

Crushed

I am feeling really defeated.
I know I should not be so emotional... it is early yet in our TTC journey, but I am absolutely crushed- and I don't even have my period yet for this cycle.
I think a lot of how I am feeling is residual from my chemical pregnancy. I put every bit of myself into this cycle- against all caution I felt such hope. I think that was my coping mechanism for dealing with my loss- immediately throw myself heart and soul into getting pregnant again. This cycle I had everything timed out perfectly, the most EWCM ever, pre conceive lube just in case, positive OPKS, peak days on my CBEFM, sex timed out great, baby aspirin to help with implantation in case that is where my body failed me before, and the best looking chart I have ever had.
Now I am still spotting 2 days in a row and my temps took a drastic dive. I am guessing I will get my period tonight or tomorrow.
I don't think I would be as hopelessly disappointed as I am right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I really think I mentally wonked out of reality and just fooled myself into believing this had to be it, God wouldn't take away my baby and then not give me a new one.
I am crying. I shouldn't be. I know better rationally. I can't stop thinking that that BFP was my one in 12 months, and I won't get another one for a long while- like I used up my conception luck.
I am just so damn sad right now. and I am angry at myself for focusing in on the fact that I shouldn't be spotting for 3 more days and thinking maybe tomorrow my temps will magically go back up, my bleeding will stop, and I will be pregnant- when I know much better than that unfortunately.
Defeated
Sad
Losing hope
Angry
Why?