Breastfeeding...

I got a new laptop for my birthday (yay!) so can't update with pictures now... I just dropped off the new and the old at Apple so they can transfer all my photos/music and wipe the old one since it is work issued and I have to return it since I am not going back to school. I didn't want to leave all that personal stuff on it.

Anyway- this blog entry is going to be about breastfeeding and my attitude towards it. I will preface this by saying I recognize the decision to BF is personal and not everyone wants to, not everyone succeeds, etc- so if I say things that sound all gung-ho BF, it isn't a judgement, it is just a reflection on my personal experience with it.

How do I feel about BF'ing? It is great bonding- but, sometimes I like to have a book handy in the nursery for some feedings. I am so proud of myself for making it 9 weeks, and I am in awe of the fact that my little man is thriving from my body alone. It is all biology (which is what I teach) and it really is just an amazing system. I feel so fortunate that it is going well now, and I really just feel proud. I am so happy he is getting the benefits of breastmilk.


But-
I feel doubt. How do I know he is getting enough? How much is he really eating? How do people know if their supply is diminishing (when he starts feeding longer and more often how do you know it is a growth spurt or if supply is decreasing?) BF'ing plagues me with all these doubts. I know he is gaining weight, but I can't help worry. Especially when if he is fussy, the first thing people say is 'oh he must be hungry', well he just ate, well maybe not enough, etc. and it is a vicious cycle of self doubt.

I also feel shame. Not real shame, but some sort of weird self-conscious shame. When Eric and I go out to dinner, we bring a pumped bottle b/c I won't b/f at a restaurant- which I think is valid. I don't judge others who BF in public- but it is not for me. I did do a park bench once, with my hooter hider, which is fine, and I would do it in a ladies lounge- but I am so not a food court or mall bench type of girl- and certainly never a restaurant. I have seen people BF at those places and think nothing of it, but it is so not for me. But anyway- so we were out with friends and pulled the bottle out- and I was embarrassed. I was embarassed my milk was on the table, and wondered what they were thinking. I feel the same way if he spits up, if everyone is judging my curdled milk. We were visiting E's side of the family and I had to feed the boy, and I was embarrassed to say I had to go nurse. I have left the room when we have company to go feed B and feel conspicuous in some way when I return- why I don't know. My FIL said something about BF'ing to me and I almost fell through the floor in embarassment

What the heck is wrong with me?

I am not embarrassed I EBF- I am proud. Really I am. This is one of the most natural things there is, an it angers me that I have this mental issue. I love the time it gives me with B, the bond it gives us, the benefits it offers him, and so much more about nursing.
I guess I should say what is wrong with society that I am having this mental issue with being open about BF'ing. It is a natural thing, I am fortunate it is going so well, and then I have these issues about publicly declaring it. Is it me? sort of. Is it society, definitely. I think it may stem from a fear of other peoples issues with it... I don't know

Anyway- so that is off my chest. There really was not much point to this post- I know I am doing great and I know B is thriving- I just wish that our society was a little more 'european' in their attitude towards this natural thing b/c it has really messed with my head.