Confusion & Sadness

So I was on the phone with my sister today, she got an e-mail from her rogue bridesmaid explaining everything. The girl was 15 weeks pregnant for the wedding (Yay for her, great news, so not something you need to hide from the bride) and never told my sister she was pregnant. This was the same bridesmaid who didn't order the gown on time because she 'might' be pregnant and who backed out of the shower 3 days in advance via email saying something came up. When all this happened, I predicted miscarraige. Well- the email my sister received confirmed that. It was a surprise pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage, and then the decision to try again right away. I feel so sorry for the girl and that she had to go through that, but happy that she is pregnant and seemingly healthy this far along.

The confusing part was if she was willing to tell about the miscarriage, why wait until 5 months later and a week after the wedding. At that point it is all done with, why offer up the info now. I completely, unfortunately, understand the need for privacy and everything, but I guess I don't get why she would change her mind. But I also know, that the range of emotions can be so much, that she probably just wasn't ready to share- because I am exactly the same way. I may tell my sister or my parents eventually of our loss, if we go through this journey for much longer I may need to tell.

But regardless, I am not judging her not telling or telling anyone of what they went through- I understand too well how hard that can hit a person. The part that killed me today was when my sister read me her email, and the girl wrote how they had not even told her H's parents about the pregnancy/miscarriage, my sister thought it was soo weird. I defended the girl saying that people keep that private, how they probably didn't announce it, and held myself back from voicing my own feelings of not wanting to tell my parents because 1) i didn't want the looks of pity, and 2) when we do have our great news- I want it to be GREAT news, with no worry or history- just a fantastic announcement to the soon-t0-be grandparents. So when I voiced my opinion my sister said , "you don't understand- they have a relationship with her H's parents like we do with mom & dad,". implying that of course they would tell these set of grandparents-to-be. Meanwhile, no one knows about my miscarriage, I just don't think she gets it because she isn't ttc or anything, and I know she has no idea what is up with me, but that hurt so much. And she wasn't rude, or belittling the girl, just a non-ttc person trying to understand something only those who have ttc really could get. I wanted to just say, well, I had a very early miscarriage last June, but I didn't want to get into it, I still want to save up for my Great news, and now I feel like she would be hurt that I didn't share when it happened.

So now I am sad, even though there was no intention whatsoever on my sister's part for me to feel that way.

My Sister's Wedding

Beautiful Bride, Beautiful Day


Congratulations Ali & Dave !!!

I could not be any happier for my sister- she was the most gorgeous bride, it was the perfect weather (which in August can be tricky) and everything about the day was great. The town we grew up in has a big fog horn it blasts 5 times to alert people of service to a fire call or emergency. Right in the end of the soloist singing The Lord's Prayer- we here HOOOOONK like 5 times- everyone was cracking up. The ceremony was beautiful, and sometimes it helps to have moments like that to get emotions in check (I was totally crying).
The reception was amazing as well- good food, great band, lots of drinks and dancing. I truly feel it was a wonderful day and hope my sister and Dave enjoyed every second of it. I love them both, and she really is my best friend and just a great, great person.

Some pictures to review the weekend:

Friday Night- mini-bachelorette, we went into NYC to see Tony & Tina's wedding. It was supposed to be a really low key night, but the 3 of us went through 6 bottles of champagne (ove r 5 or 6 hours so it's not as bad as it sounds). We then went in my parents hot tub and slept.




(that was a 'groomsman' in Tony & Tina's wedding- my sister's face is classic)

Saturday Night- Rehearsal & Rehearsal Dinner. It was great, same place as her shower b/c she liked it so much.

My brother-in-law, sister, me, brother, hubby

mom, hubs, & me

my mom & dad :)


Sunday Night- 08/31/08. The wedding. I can't say enough about how much I enjoyed it (both as a good time, and with happiness for Ali)

shots at my parents house - the bridesmaids

The women of my family


my gorgeous sister (and i LOVED her bouquet), 1st on the way to church, followed by on the way to bed (no she's not loaded, I just shocked her getting a shot of her dress)

cake cutting

A really dark picture of me giving my speech

My 15 year old brother is a drummer... the 10 piece band let him play with them, and if you know anything about drumming- the fact that he could is impressive because drums keep the beat for the whole band to get the song going. He played Journey's Don't Stop Believing.


Family Shots

Eric and I

My father & my husband- I love this shot

husband & my Father-in-law (shave my H's head and squint his eyes, and they are twins)

One of the only pics I have of me and my sis from the night,


My Dad & I

after-party, the groom (I love this pic!)

And on a happy note

because I feel like such a whining debbie-downer lately... and that is not just me.

Here is my speech I wrote for my sister's wedding. It made me cry, I hope it does the same for her :)

Good Evening
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Carly- Ali’s little sister. Id like to start out by thanking Ali & Dave for the honor of standing beside them today. On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would also like to thank my Mom & Dad in addition to Ali & Dave, for throwing such a wonderful party.
When I sat down to start writing a speech, I was clueless. I sought advice from others who would respond by saying some pretty non-helpful things like keep it short or you’ll have no problem, it will be easy- you’re a teacher, you’re used to talking. I cannot tell you how hard it is to stand here and even attempt to adequately describe how happy I am for my sister, my best friend, the person I have looked up to my entire life. So I decided to try in a short poem.

Of all the moments that we’ve shared
And the memories I carry
This one is the best of all
To stand with you when you marry

As you begin your marriage
I can’t help but reminisce
You may now be Dave’s wife
But first you were my big sis

You’d braid my hair, play in forts
Hold my hand when I was small
I even remember, way back when
Thinking you were tall

All through the years, in school and out
You’d let me tag along
Did you know you were my idol?
That you could do no wrong?

We’ve had our fights, big and small
You broke down my bedroom door
I think that in our teenage years
Mom & Dad feared all out war

But in the end, through all my years
It was in you I could confide
You’d listen and laugh, dry my tears
You were always by my side

I remember the day I met Dave
It was at your twenty-first birthday luau
Despite the drinks, somehow I knew
Even then, that we’d end up here now

He’s funny, he’s kind, he loves to dance
He really is a catch
But the look on his face when he saw you today
Is why I love him best

Today you stood, in faith, in love
And joined yourself for life
I’m proud of you Al- you’re beautiful
Dave gained the very best wife

At this point I would like to raise our glasses in a toast to David and Alison- I love you both and wish you all the best.
To love, to laughter, and happily ever after

I wonder how many months I will feel like this

so CD1 here... got my period, not pregnant, and fucking depressed about it.

I shouldn't be right? we are still well under that average 12 months it takes a healthy couple to conceive. But I am- and I am just wondering how long this will go on- and then I feel like crap for feeling like that at all because I know some people very near and dear to my heart who have been at this for double or even triple the amount of time we have.

I guess I just don't get it- I do get it on the 'knowing better' level and all the percentages on how its only a 20-25% shot even with great timing. But on my irrational, emotional, and still I think semi-logical level- I don't get it
Sooo many people get pregnant, and they don't know when they ovulate (some don't even realize they only have a 5 day window max a cycle to get knocked up), they don't use OPKs, they are not using the CBEFM, and here I am doing all these things- I get to look at my chart and say wow- we had excellent timing, and then boom (airplane diving noise again)- My temp drops, I spot, and the next day is CD1.
I went back to school today, and I realized I feared finding out if a few people who were recently married were pregnant. That makes me hate myself. Of course I will be happy for my colleagues and friends when they decide to start their family- I know I will be, and yet- I dreaded today in case I found out. Maybe CD1 makes it even harder, but it would be a blow to find out someone was pregnant on the day it's confirmed you are not- I do believe in my heart it is not such a bad thing to think- it's not like feeling that way is wishing ill upon that person, I truly would be glad for them, I just want to be happy for myself as well. So maybe I seem like a bad person, but I know deep down I am not.

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was on the phone with my sister- she got her period today too. I told her so did I, and then went on about how good it was we both got it so we wouldn't have to deal with it for her wedding in 5 days. She responded, "oh, you're happy- i thought you might be trying for kids". I ignored her. I didn't realize she knew, maybe she saw me on the nest? I don't know... but I wasn't going to talk about it, last thing I need to do to the bride is get all emotional about ttc on her a few days before the festivities. I guess I will just have to grin and be happy I can drink and do the hot tub with the bridesmaids this weekend.

I wish this got easier, and not harder each time. I am afraid I am changing, and I don't like the direction I am heading. I want to be optimistic again, happy again, but it's hard. I know I will feel better in a couple days- it's good to get it out

So yeah- that sucks.

And we are back from vacation!

We had a great time- the Southern California area has sooooo much to do. I wish we had a couple more days to just chill out on the beach or by the pool, that's the only thing that would have made this vacation better. I actually need a few days of R&R from taking vacation b/c we were so busy the whole time.

Here is our week in review-
Friday 8/8. We flew in (6 something am flight Philly time, arrived 10:30ish local time). We checked into our hotel- i would never stay there again just because it is geared to senior citizens (stop serving dinner at 9, no bar, etc) and is out of the way- but it was free so who can really complain. We then went to San Diego Wild Animal Park for the afternoon- it is related to the SD Zoo- but was more geared toward African animals- very safari-esque.

On Saturday we took it easy by the pool at our hotel... it was nice, and it even had 100 ft water slide! We then drove into the Gaslamp district of San Diego and had drinks at a bunch of places and dinner- very very fun area




On Sunday we went to a winery for a tour- and even better- wine tasting!


Monday- 8/11 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
Eric surprised me by booking us for a night at the Hotel DelCoronado- seriously amazing, swanky, gorgeous hotel. You can see it in the background of this picture.
We also had dinner and drinks outside overlooking the ocean at the Hotel's restaurant- 1500 Ocean. It was delicious. What a great night and great surprise


Eric says hello to my boobs- don't worry, it's how i was falling backward, the dress was not this revealing
Funny tree at the Hotel Del Coronado:

On Tuesday we left Coronado and drove to South Beach Bar & Grille in Ocean Beach, CA for fish tacos- as they are supposedly the best (and they were darn good!). Tuesday night we drove up to LA to catch a Dodgers game since our hometeam the Phillies were in town- Look at this picture, I cannot imagine more beautiful scenary to watch a ball game in. I also got to try the infamous dodger dogs... pretty yummy (but go with the super one- it's all beef and tasted better)

Wednesday was amazing- we went to the spa for 3 hr sessions each- eucalyptus steam, hot oil scalp massage, full body massage and reflexology = HEAVEN

Thursday we went to watch and bet on horse racing at the Del Mar racetracks- we didn't even win once- good thing we only bet $2 a race :)

Friday 8/15 was our last day- but our flight was a redeye leaving at 7:30, so we hit up both the San Diego Zoo and Seaworld- note to self, never try to do those 2 in a single day again.

The Zoo- was wonderful, here are some of my fave pics. (yes- the zebra was 'excited'

we rode a polar bear- we saw the baby panda, it was nursing from it's mom and was so cute (but no good picture of it)
And Monkeys are seriously my favorite- these 2 were so cute sharing popcorn together



And on to Sea World- last stop of the day.
We got to buy sardines and feed the sea lions- they were so cute... I wish I could do my imitation of their cries to be fed for you- it's quite good LOL.








and lastly- california has freaky trees- all over the place were these uber tall skinny trees- i actually had a nightmare where they acted like fingers and grabbed at you.

It's our anniversary

Happy 3rd anniversary to us! We are celebrating by going out to dinner at a place called Amada, and I got my first brazilian wax today- wooohoooo

and just for good memories- here is a wrapup of our wedding :)

Vents...

I am in a crappy mood lately

Husband Vent:
I love my husband, I know he works hard, I don't mind if he is going to work late- but FUCKING TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE HOME. Whether it is 7pm or 10pm- let me know. And don't tell me "oh, about an hour" and then when I call you an over an hour later be like, oh it might be another hour. I HATE eating late, I am trying to lose weight and this picking and all while waiting is bad, and I would prefer to eat with you. I will eat alone if he is getting home really late, but it pisses me off when he could have said it is going to be a late night, instead of 'i don't know' and I could have eaten on my own at 7 instead of cooking at 8:30 and eating at 9. I don't care when you get home- just fucking tell me accurately
Also- it's great to tell me I looked hot and you could think of nothing but doing me for the past hour when we get home at night, my fragile self confidence soaks that shit in- don't tell me you notice I have lost weight when I am naked.

Mom Vent: I love my mother, but she is a scatterbrain. I should preface this vent by saying we have a great relationship, are friends as much as mother/daughter, and she is one of the people I admire most in the world. I feel bad that I completely snapped at her on the phone last night... but my sisters wedding is in 4 weeks- I have a lot going on. My alteration, planning the bachelorette and more. My mom was supposed to help me by finding local spas to their house (I am 2 hrs away from my hometown- so know of 1 and wanted a couple of others).
So she had 3 piss-me-off moments on the phone
1) She was like "You really better get your dress altered soon, the wedding is coming up" (I have an appointment- I am not irresponsible- and I have a pic of one of my not-so-awesome bridesmaids with her breast half hanging out because she picked up her dress the day before my wedding and had it hemmed, so actually only got it day of and it didn't fit her- I think I will take care of it).
2) Then she was all like 'did you book the tickets? you better do that soon'. (we are going to surprise my sister and take her into NYC to see Tony & Tina's wedding- this idea just came to me last week, and I have an email out to bridesmaids to make sure, plus am in contact with a ticket agent who called me back in front of my mother- yes I am getting shit done).
3) and this one is the KICKER- you better make those spa appointments, it is on a Friday and a holiday weekend, you don't want to have nowhere to go, and some people have weekly appointments. I have been WAITING for her to give me the names of spas for weeks- which i snapped at her. She was like well, I looked online... I could have fucking looked online.
I was so snappy that she asked if she could call me at a better time. I am going to apologize tonight, but come on- I am a responsible adult and don't need this crap, and never in my life have done anything to indicate I don't get shit done

Doctor Vent: I had my annual ob/gyn appointment. Last year was my first time at this practice- I have gone to about 3 different doctors in the area trying to find one I love, and that is associated with a hospital I want to give birth at. I LOVED my doctor. I talked to her about TTC, addressed my weight and having a baby, and she was optimistic, great, listened, just the perfect doctor experience. She made me feel OK about things. I am overweight, but not that bad and am otherwise healthy.
Now she is young, so my guess is she was fresh last year, and worn down this year- because she was the opposite last week. Now that we have been TTC I brought in literally a list of questions, my temp charts to show ovulation, etc. She rushed through my questions, started my breast exam while I was asking (and I had a freaking list so I am holding this paper like an idiot while she feels around). And she made me feel awful about my weight- which is 10 lbs less than last year.
I know I am overweight, believe me. To hear a doctor say 'the simplest thing is to drop some weight' really pissed me off- a doctor should know it is not always simple. And she said this after I said how I went to my GP to have my thyroid tested b/c my weight plateau and low temps, obviously I am aware. She basically made me feel awful about myself, she even mentioned heavier mothers have heavy babies and they are at risk for childhood obesity.

And the kicker with her was my chemical pregnancy- if I even had one. I had 8 positive pregnancy tests on a variety of brands. A nurse told me that they could have all been false positives b/c early on you can have something in your system- this sounds like bullshit to me, unless she was referring to a chemical pregnancy that would never have been detected if I had not tested early. So I asked the doctor about it, just wanted to hear from a dr. what she thought happened. She basically refused to talk about it- saying repeatedly "all i can say i that on June 18th, you were not pregnant" and going on about how beyond that she doesn't know what happened, doesn't know why the nurse said what she did, doesn't know if I was pregnant, and said something to the effect of me having to have brought my BFPs in. I was pissed- I am not looking for 100% answer here, just insight, thoughts etc. And of course I was on the brink of tears here, and she was like "Why are you confused"? ummmm, I am sorry, the whole thing was confusing and heartbreaking- thought maybe my dr. could talk to me about it instead of be a BITCH


I know I am heavy, I am working on it, and maybe I see myself through fog goggles- but I didn't think I was stop-and-stare fat where it was so bad.
So now I am thinking about taking a break from TTC. Or at least shifting to the 'natural' approach, and giving up OPKS, CBEFM etc. I won't give up charting because she was helpful in giving me a card for a fertility specialist since our 1 yr TTC will be before my next annual, and she said make sure I have documentation to shoe we are actively TTC'ing b/c they won't see you without 12 months trying.

So yeah- I feel like shit and am angry at the world... At least my husband vent was no big deal, and besides my dinner annoyance, we are great- I do love the man and hope I make him as happy as he makes me.