ammended- What would you do??

this is a really silly question- but I am actually debating this.
You all know my fears re: the baby and how I get another ultrasound- my dr. wanted me to wait until i hit 10 weeks before scheduling it.

Do I get it on Monday 11/17- when I am 10 weeks 2 days, the earliest date I can schedule, for peace of mind that the heartbeat is ok
or... Do I get it a little later- like Friday at 10 weeks 6 days or the following monday, 11 weeks 2 days- just because the later i see things, the closer I am to the 2nd trimester, hopefully the better I feel about the pregnancy- plus we want to tell DH's family on thanksgiving

i should also mention- i have a script for the NT scan= which is an ultrasound that happens between 11 - 13 weeks 6 days, so i have 2 u/s coming up. i don't know if that will make a diff. in your opinion

i know it is only a matter of days- and this is a stupid internal debate.. but seeing a healthy baby at just 10 weeks versus 11 weeks would make a difference mentally- but so would the long wait LOL.

so wwyd?

I just want to be happy

I just want to be happy and excited about being pregnant (and believe me- I am these things, I really am- but i want to be JUST these things, without the other b.s.). I feel like I am ruining the experience for myself by all my nerves- and I want to tell myself to shut the f up and enjoy this time.

I hate being negative- I hate being a worrier. Yesterday the Dr. made me worry by saying she wants me to have a follow up u/s because the fetal heart rate was a little slow. I already worried about the heart rate- I was over it and confident she felt it was fine- because that is what she told me 2 f'ing weeks ago. Now- without having a new heart rate or any new info, she finds it concerning and is sending me in for an u./s- but the kicker is she wants me to wait until I am 10 weeks along to go. I know rationally if it was something to really worry about that she would have said this 2 weeks ago, I also know rationally that if it was something dire I would not be waiting 2 weeks but would be going asap- but come on doc- make up your f'ing mind. You know I have anxiety issues by my blood pressure. Don't tell me something is not to be worried about one week, then say that SAME thing is a concern the next.

Anyway- I am resolving myself to get over my fears. I want to be happy, excited, buy little things I love as I see them. I want to talk about names and decorations- things I have not let myself do. I am going to start trying to not freak out over things like the FHR and start being happy about things like having graduated officially from an embryo to a fetus this week- YAY

So here is a go for happiness... although I am still worried and am going to make my next u/s my next minimilestone. Hopefully I can get it scheduled for Monday- November 17th, 10 weeks 2 days.

Week 8 & Weekend

The Phillies World Series Parade was pretty cool. I have never seen anything like it- there were over a million people, it was a sea of red, all for the parade. The parade itself kind of stunk (no marching band, music, dancers) - It was just a couple of busses and flatbeds carrying the players. I really think they could have done so much more. But to be here for it was an experience.



Besides the parade it was a quiet weekend. That was Friday- it started around noon and we didn't get home until 8 oclock- it was a big drinking, celebratory day. I was highly entertained. I pretend drank (holding a beer, only filling it half way, etc). the worse part was at the parade, with a beer in my hand- running into my students (yes- in the million + people, I ran into 3 students). So imagine, I am supposed to be in school, they are supposed to be in school, and it is 12:30pm and I am on the streets with a Miller Lite. Oh well- I am of age and I told my principal why I wasn't coming in so nothing can come of that.
Saturday morning Eric left for Seattle. I ran around- went to Smith & Hawken, PBKids, Costco, and bought lots of thanksgiving decorations so that when we host our house looks nice. I must say my mantle looks gorgeous and like it should be in a store- i will post a picture. I watched "Definitely, Maybe" last night- it was cute, I cried, I wouldn't watch it again... Today I cleaned the basement to get ready for Thanksgiving as well. I hope to hoard the terrors, I mean nephews, down there since we are having 17 people in a townhouse- I am worried about space and figure if we have the foosball, PS3, maybe a movie down there... then we should at least be able to keep them occupied.
So it was a quiet, yet very productive weekend :)

PREGNANCY WISE!


Our baby is the size of a raspberry- keep on growing little one!

Well we made it to 8 weeks pregnant yesterday. Stick baby stick! I am freaking myself out because today I woke up with pretty bad cramps and when I coughed I had shooting pain. I pray that this is just normal uterine stretching- but my cramps were kind of bad so of course I am going crazy. Google is very much NOT my friend right now. But I am going to try to stop freaking out because as the day went on I felt better.
Dr's appt on Tuesday! I figure I must be doing ok because it has been 2 weeks since they took blood and 1 week since I turned in my jug of pee. I assume I would have heard something if any of my #s were out of normal range. I am going to talk to my doctor about constipation issues (I was on the brink of tears and TMI but had drops of blood the other day) and about maybe getting another u/s - or some sort of heartrate check- doesn't have to be anything major, since I have the heavy cramping and the heart rate was slow and basically I am freaking myself out. (which she knows b/c of my elevated bp).
But I am doing well- happy that time is passing, wish it would pass a little quicker- but I am learning that no matter where I am in this- I am going to worry- it is not like once we hit 13 weeks I am magically going to no longer worry about things. :)

"Don't play with your food"

Our dog is nuts... every time she eats, before she begins, she plays with 1 single piece of kibble. Just one- she will toss it around, up in the air, all over the living room, then eat it. Then she proceeds to eat the rest of her bowl (carrying it out 4-5 pieces at a time, dumping them on the rug, and eating them 1 by 1, however there is no playing after the 1st piece)
I try to catch her on tape- this is what I got (usually there is more throwing of the kibble, but this gives you the idea)



In other news- I have nothing. 7 weeks 4 days today and feel fine- it is eery how fine i feel minus constipation and being tired. I guess I should count myself lucky :) I think I am going to schedule my NT scan- I am torn on when to do it. Do I schedule it before Thanksgiving so I feel better about telling family our news on that day- but then I will only be 11 weeks 2 -4 days. Or do I schedule it the week after which is timed better for the scan (although they say the scan can be done 11 weeks - 13 wk 6 days, everything i have read online says aim for week 12 in case you are measuring off in either direction). I *know* we should wait until the week after- butI am not sure I want to tell the news on Thanksgiving if we have no further reassurance- and it would be such a great time to share the news in person with the in-laws, grandparents, etc.

Hit the 7 week mark...

our baby is the size of a blueberry- wow that is a lot bigger than a sesame seed!

7 weeks pregnant as of yesterday- As far as pg symptoms go i still have sore boobs, random burning nipples, fatigue, constipation, and bouts of nausea. I am a little unsure about the nausea though- I feel like if I think to myself 'am I nauseous' I become nauseous- but there is a distinct correlation with nausea and its disappearance when I eat something- so I guess this is my introductory morning sickness. I have even reached the point where I burp or gag a little to feel better- but this is random and short felt, so I guess I am lucky thus far.

Non-pg related
Nothing much going on- school is school, family is doing well, I guess I could bitch about my MIL and how she 'entertains' and claims what a great entertainer/cook/ex-caterer (yeah right) she is- but then calls me the day of and says pick up this pick up that, bring this, i want you to make dessert- don't buy it- i want to see what kind of cook you are- so make something.
drives me nuts- and no , I don't make anything at that point (I have no problem baking- but I do have a problem with the demands). But really besides that inane complaint- things are the same and going well.

We didn't do much this weekend- Friday we stayed in, just the 2 of us, and watched a movie. Saturday night after going to MIL's i dropped Eric off at a friends to watch the Phillies in the World Series. I didn't want to go b/c this guy is the one who told everyone of our friends when he suspected another wife was pg and got that rumor going. I am really glad i didn't go in hindsight because there was a rain delay, the game started at about 9:45pm and ended around 2am... I was asleep at that point. Then this morning we went over to the Eagles game to tailgate with my dad and bro who drove 2 hrs down to go to the game. Eric's friend had an extra ticket so he got to go to the game, and i just went tailgating (ironic) so that my Dad and bro would have people to hang out with and enjoy it :)

that's all over here- MUAH

Anxiety, mantras, belief

Well- my mom and sis keep asking how I am feeling- and the answer is completely anxious. I feel like the days are dragging- like I am never going to meet my next mini mileston of 8 weeks pregnant (10 more days!). I go on the nest and see people with signatures that say 'missed miscarriage 10wks 2days, baby measured 6wks 3 days' and it momentarily erases all the hope I have for this little baby because we only saw it at 5 wks 6 days. Completely irrational I know- but it is killing me. I know during the whole ttc journey I wished time away during the wait to O or the 2ww, but this is soo different- I am physically ill over it. I wrote in my last entry about my elevated blood pressure at the beginning of my appointment (that was back down by the end). I have always been like this- had anxiety issues, made myself ill (it took 3 yrs before I stopped getting diarrhea every time i would see my MIL- seriously), and I know that now more than ever I need to not do this to myself. I bought 2 meditation CDs. I am going to listen to them to try to help relax myself, and I am even debating talking to someone. i have debated this before (i have laid awake nights with anxiety issues), and now that it is not just about me- maybe I should.

I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do but wait- I am not doing extreme sports or drugs or anything- so what will happen will happen, no matter how relaxed, or how worried I am- but I can't get away from this focus.

There is a board on the Nest called Success after a loss and the ladies there made up mantras to help them deal with their anxiety- these are the mantras
`"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."
--"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."
--"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."
--"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!
-- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
--And this is the hardest one: "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive."


The last thing I want to write about is my due date... I love to look for signs in life- ever since I went to the Dr. and she adjusted my due date- I have felt it was a good sign- a sign of hope, that this is coming full circle, that this is meant to be and we will have our family.
June 13th
What's so special about it?
First off- 13 is my favorite number- always has been, was my sports number, everything- i Love it.
Second- My Nana, whom I love very very much, will be 96 years old on June 13th 2009. Her name is Ruth-and I have always planned on naming a daughter someday with the middle name Ruth after my nana.
Last- June 13th 2009 is my due date. June 13th 2008 is my first BFP, where we lost the baby in a chemical pregnancy. It seems full circle to me that it is exactly that day... I pray to God it is so.

So- when I get anxious I try to think about those mantras, or the little signs I get along the way (like June 13th)

2 more checks off the list- and a great video!

WE TOLD MY PARENTS THE BIG NEWS!!!
This video is fantastic- my parents are such an old married couple- you can tell, and I love that i have this on tape.
Before you watch- the gift we gave them was this:



I told them it was a gift from my sister and I that they had to open before we met up with her in the city- and I had promised her I would tape their reaction. (We were going out for their birthdays/mortgage burning celebration).





2nd check off the list- 1st prenatal doctor's appointment. Not too much to say about this except she told me I need to control my anxiety- my blood pressure when I arrived was 150/90. They took it again at the end of the appointment- 122/76. Because it was high I now have to do a 24 hour urine collection for protein tests- but she seems to think it was anxiety. I had 13 vials of blood taken, go back for a blood pressure test in 2 weeks during which they will do an actual exam since I will be past 8 weeks by then, and that is about it. I tried to ask about miscarriage rates, and the heartbeat, and was the heartrate a concern- she said sure it is slow, but she doesn't even expect to see a heartbeat at all at 5 weeks 6 days (my u/s measurements) so that it means nothing, just that it was early... and as for miscarriage- who knows. If it is going to happen, it is, and if not, then not... nothing I can do (within reason) will change this outcome.

I was given an official due date- June 13, 2009- 1 day off from my FF chart, not too bad.