Anxiety, mantras, belief

Well- my mom and sis keep asking how I am feeling- and the answer is completely anxious. I feel like the days are dragging- like I am never going to meet my next mini mileston of 8 weeks pregnant (10 more days!). I go on the nest and see people with signatures that say 'missed miscarriage 10wks 2days, baby measured 6wks 3 days' and it momentarily erases all the hope I have for this little baby because we only saw it at 5 wks 6 days. Completely irrational I know- but it is killing me. I know during the whole ttc journey I wished time away during the wait to O or the 2ww, but this is soo different- I am physically ill over it. I wrote in my last entry about my elevated blood pressure at the beginning of my appointment (that was back down by the end). I have always been like this- had anxiety issues, made myself ill (it took 3 yrs before I stopped getting diarrhea every time i would see my MIL- seriously), and I know that now more than ever I need to not do this to myself. I bought 2 meditation CDs. I am going to listen to them to try to help relax myself, and I am even debating talking to someone. i have debated this before (i have laid awake nights with anxiety issues), and now that it is not just about me- maybe I should.

I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do but wait- I am not doing extreme sports or drugs or anything- so what will happen will happen, no matter how relaxed, or how worried I am- but I can't get away from this focus.

There is a board on the Nest called Success after a loss and the ladies there made up mantras to help them deal with their anxiety- these are the mantras
`"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."
--"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."
--"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."
--"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!
-- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
--And this is the hardest one: "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive."


The last thing I want to write about is my due date... I love to look for signs in life- ever since I went to the Dr. and she adjusted my due date- I have felt it was a good sign- a sign of hope, that this is coming full circle, that this is meant to be and we will have our family.
June 13th
What's so special about it?
First off- 13 is my favorite number- always has been, was my sports number, everything- i Love it.
Second- My Nana, whom I love very very much, will be 96 years old on June 13th 2009. Her name is Ruth-and I have always planned on naming a daughter someday with the middle name Ruth after my nana.
Last- June 13th 2009 is my due date. June 13th 2008 is my first BFP, where we lost the baby in a chemical pregnancy. It seems full circle to me that it is exactly that day... I pray to God it is so.

So- when I get anxious I try to think about those mantras, or the little signs I get along the way (like June 13th)