Here is a video that was played at our wedding before our big entrance... I like to watch it and wonder what our phantom kids will be like. Sorry it is ghettofied- it was encrypted on a dvd and the only way I could get it actually on my computer was to tape it with my digicam and upload.
ENJOY!!!
ps- there is sound :)
Sometimes living in a city really has its advantages. We did something totally cool last night- played Pirate Quizzo in the Planetarium at The Franklin Institute.
We left the house at around 5 to go watch the Yankees v. Red Sox game with another couple- the guy in that couple is a die hard Yankees fan, my husband a die hard Red Sox fan- they even went to 2 games in the Yanks/Sox series in April up in New York. Well, go figure no sports bar had the feed for the game b/c it was blacked out... so we ended up having some drinks and that couple had plans to go to Pirate Quizzo.
The planetarium had stars in the sky and the edges made out to look like the front and back of a pirate ship- so it seemed like you were sitting on the deck. There was a cash bar, and 4 rounds of pirate questions- One round was all about booty and even had celebrity butts pictured for our perusal to identify whose 'booty' it was.
It was so nice to do something different. I love nights like that :)
This is what my man brought me To make it even better, there was no reason for this 'little' surprise, and he picked it up on the way home from basketball when he and a friend stopped at the market... so that means he bought this for me in the presence of guy friends when we have not had a fight and it is not an occasion! Wowza- I am impressed.
I love this man :)
First- just to show why my hopes went so high, here is a picture of my chart when it was looking great. 
Nice temp jump, looking a little triphasic. Perfect
And then... (make some sort of plane diving noise in your head right now that I can't do via typing) 
Ummm yeah, the drop does not get much more dramatic then that.
Concerns- Why was my LP shorter this time and since when do I have 3 days of spotting before getting my period?
Pity Party Over
Well- I am still sad, but am actually back in my normal chipper spirit today. I have to thank Shannon for this. Shannon is a true friend from the nest. I have a lot of ladies I consider friends on there even though we don't speak in real life. They are my support network and really just a fantastic group of women.
So why am I specifically thanking Shannon? She commented to me on my 'crushed' post below. Her comment was just full of virtual love and support. She's been trying longer than I have to start a family, yet is such a sweet person and really just awesome, that she took the time out to comfort me, and tell me what I needed to hear- I will be a great mom. That snapped me out of it- I WILL be a mom some day, and a pretty darn good one.
So thank you Shannon. You brought a tear to my eye and really got me out of this funk I have been in for the past 2 days. You are going to be an exceptional mother some day, and I am crossing my fingers for you this cycle. xxooxx
Focusing on the positive:
even though I got my period today and it is CD 1- I know I need to be positive about this whole endeavor in order to not go nuts.
So here's the positive-
I have fairly regular periods. I ovulate without aid and all my signs of ovulation (CF, OPKs, CBEFM, temp) coincide.
And- I will ovulate this cycle right near, if not on, my birthday, while 3000 miles away in San Diego on vacation with my honey! I really hope we bring back a souvenir/birthday present!
And-
I am feeling really defeated.
I know I should not be so emotional... it is early yet in our TTC journey, but I am absolutely crushed- and I don't even have my period yet for this cycle.
I think a lot of how I am feeling is residual from my chemical pregnancy. I put every bit of myself into this cycle- against all caution I felt such hope. I think that was my coping mechanism for dealing with my loss- immediately throw myself heart and soul into getting pregnant again. This cycle I had everything timed out perfectly, the most EWCM ever, pre conceive lube just in case, positive OPKS, peak days on my CBEFM, sex timed out great, baby aspirin to help with implantation in case that is where my body failed me before, and the best looking chart I have ever had.
Now I am still spotting 2 days in a row and my temps took a drastic dive. I am guessing I will get my period tonight or tomorrow.
I don't think I would be as hopelessly disappointed as I am right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I really think I mentally wonked out of reality and just fooled myself into believing this had to be it, God wouldn't take away my baby and then not give me a new one.
I am crying. I shouldn't be. I know better rationally. I can't stop thinking that that BFP was my one in 12 months, and I won't get another one for a long while- like I used up my conception luck.
I am just so damn sad right now. and I am angry at myself for focusing in on the fact that I shouldn't be spotting for 3 more days and thinking maybe tomorrow my temps will magically go back up, my bleeding will stop, and I will be pregnant- when I know much better than that unfortunately.
Defeated
Sad
Losing hope
Angry
Why?
Well, overall it was a pretty good weekend.
Let's start with the TTC news- umm, there is none. My temp went down a bit today, but not much. Symptoms I may have is that my face is breaking out, which it never does, and I hate the slightest ittiest bit of spotting today. My period is not due for 5 days and I never spot except for the 12-24 hours that lead up to full flow of my period, so I don't know what to make of this. I feel like 11 dpo is too late for implantation spotting, but who knows? A few more days until testing and then we will see (unless my luteal phase is cut short and this is really a sign my period is coming 4 days early- which would suck).
And now for what we did this weekend....
Friday night Pictures
We had a pretty good weekend. Friday night we went to happy hour at Continental Midtown. They have a rooftop bar and we had a big table and lots of appys. It was fun.
here we are with limes in our mouth- definitely not cute for me, but E looks good!
Saturday night was great. My sister and her fiancee stayed over. We went to Fogo de Chao, which is a Brazilian Rodizio where they walk around with meat on rotisserie sticks and slice it directly on your plate. It was soooo nice just to hang out with Ali & Dave.
This is Ali & Dave- they get married in 6 weeks, I am so excited for their big day! 
E, C, A & D at Fogo de Chao 7/19/08
The reason they stayed over was because my Grandma just turned 80. Happy 80th Birthday Grandma!!! It truly is a miracle that she is here today. In May 2007 my Grandma went into the hospital with a UTI and ended up contracting sepsis, and being on life support ( a ventilator and oxygen) for about 7 weeks. She would not wake up from her anesthesia, the doctor's were baffled, and she was dwindling away. One day she woke up- this is about 8 weeks after she went in, doesn't remember a thing, and went through months of therapy and recovery. We all feel so blessed and amazed that she is still with us.
Grandma giving a b-day speech
So my parents threw her an 80th bday party. I hope she had as much fun as she looked like she was having!
Grandma's Party Pics!
Me & my 15 y.o. brother Griffin- how cute is he!
My family (us, mom, dad, bro, sis, sis's fiancee)
All my grandma's grandchildren except 1
so I am in the 2ww now- 8dpo to be exact. I would rather be in the 2ww then waiting to O because then at least I know we did what we could and the rest is out of our hands (or privates). But here is the down part. I OBSESS over every little twinge, blemish, cramp, and even now- food desires. I will not survive TTC if I keep doing this to myself- and I know this.
So- I VOW TO STOP OBSESSING. It is what it is, and mentally going through turmoil certainly won't change or help the situation.
I think I am being so bad this cycle because it is my first cycle post loss. I can't win because I get excited if something was similar to my BFP cycle, and then if it is similar I get worried. And if I have a difference in 'phantom symptoms' half of me is like oh you are obviously not pg, you didn't feel this last cycle, and the other half is like 'well- your last BFP was a bust, maybe this is good'.
So for now- I am done warring with myself. No more phantom symptom obsession. However, if asked about potential phantom symptoms and engaged in discussion- I will not be held responsible for responding :) (Sniffer Ammendment- created 10 minutes post blog posting)
(and it's in writing- so I have to do it- the people I may voice my obsessions to actually read this blog!)
