Now we're not.

Tuesday June 17th
I pee on a stick. NOT PREGNANT
Is it possible for a HPT to sucker punch you- I don’t know if I will ever take a digital again, it is cruel to see the words.. there is no hope. My baby is gone. I knew about this pregnancy for 3 days and it is gone.
I cry
I grieve
I yearn
I rage
I hope?- and hold my urine, don’t drink anything for 5 hours, and take 2 more tests. Negative. It is gone. Nothing is confirmed. Friends say to stop peeing on a stick, that maybe there is hope. I have none of that. If I had any hormone left, if it was doubling as it should, I would not have 3 negative tests with concentrated pee. I call the doctor. Tomorrow I get to go in and get blood drawn to check my levels.

How is it that you can know about something for only 3 days and feel as though you have a hole in your heart and a little piece of you has died. How is it that a couple could be so happy and excited for 3 days, only to be devastated? I will tell you this- the moment I read the word pregnant, I was going to be a mom. I was an expectant mother, I was a mother, and someone would be calling me Mommy sometime around 2/23/09.I was already harboring fears and hopes for my ‘child’. And suddenly like a rug being swept out from under me, my hopes are gone. It is probably hard to get, hard to imagine that after 3 days I could feel such pain- but I do. I wanted this, I celebrated, I lost it, I cried.

I opened the fridge and saw the organic milk Eric made me buy- tears immediately welled up in my eyes. Seriously, a gallon of milk made me cry. My husband was great- he brought me flowers and just held me. I looked at him and cried. All I could do was see his face and wonder, what would our baby have looked like. The video I have of his reaction replays in my mind… what do I do with that? Is it a memory of the first time he found out he was going to be a father? You can see the pure joy on his face. There is no fear there of what if? Or is it a memory of loss? What will it be like next time. Of course there will be pure joy. But there will also be fear and worry. It’s not fair. These moments are precious. I don’t want to rob us of experiencing the thrill, yet I can’t forget the pain.

It will get better, it could be worse… but for now- I cry, I grieve, I yearn.